This letter is long overdue so I'm taking time out to write it. You keep sending my best friend to talk to me so here's everything I have to say to you.
I'm tired of waiting for you. Honestly I'm so fed up, every time I think about it I cry.
The worst thing about everything is the way you keep saying "you're going through this because I love you" well, keep your love, its confusing and I can't keep up. This is no longer about me. You died for my sins? Uuurgh you shouldn't have bothered if I'm gonna come to earth and slowly die for my sins too. In which case you owe me an explanation- I need an answer to why my entire family have to suffer for MY sins. My mother believes in you, regardless of what she's going through, she still believes you have something in store for her...she's lying in a hospital bed (for the sixth or is it the seventh time this year) helpless and moneyless with no patience for the people who surround her, she gets cranky and she groans about everything, understandable- she IS in dire pain but you...you're the good guy,watching her suffer and smiling and saying "she's a faithful child". I mean it wasn't enough that you gave her a crappy husband who also lost his job and then children who now have to suffer and endure living in a broke and unhealthy environment. You expect them to still grow up with a Godly mindset and a healthy perception of marriage ...all for my sins or is that cos you love all of us so much?
Keep your love cos quite frankly I don't know what you want me to do with it.
My tank of long-suffering and endurance is now dry. I was loyal, I was patient, I loved you with everything, my emotions, my mind, my heart and even my love for others. You'd send people my way to encourage, and even though I didn't have the best life (yes, this has gone on for decades) I still encouraged them and looked for things in my life as examples.
I guess I'm now at that point where I'd rather believe in nothing than believe there's someone who loves me and wants the best for me and sees my heart in pain, sees my sickness, knows my weaknesses, is aware of the pain and suffering my family goes through and is happy to leave things that way in the name of love...
Keep your love...
I don't need to tell you, I know you know the last time I went to church...its cos I'm done "trying". You know I've tried cos you did make me with quite a lot of patience...I'm so patient I could wait for rain in the dry desert but I've pushed and squeezed for the last drop to come out of the patience tub but I've run out.
I don't need you to top me up.
Keep your love.
Why would you show me visions of great things, give me numerous talents and I have nothing to show for it. I'm done with the false hopes, I'm done with telling myself you'll soon show up- you won't.
I'll probably die early now cos your ego can't take this or maybe it can but to teach people a lesson, you'll allow what happened to my grandfather happen to me.
Do what you will, Mr I Am that I Am. I'm not questioning you, I'm simply stating my stance regarding what You say you are and what you've actually shown me that you are. Sadly, you also made me quite expressive in certain things so I guess you have yourself to blame for this sudden outburst.
As I write, I know those who have engraved the letter G superman style on their chests are probably reading this and cursing and insulting me on your behalf. Those are the ones you favour cos they know how to walk the walk at the right time, fall on their knees at the sight of their pastors and raise phoney hands on Sundays. I make no apologies for not following in their steps, you forgot to add the pretence trait to my DNA so the thought of trying it makes me gag.
I'm coming towards the end of my rant, I thought I'd write cos its one of my talents and so I might as well use it to communicate to you since talking to you gets frustrating for me and I'm sure for you too since I ask a lot of questions you don't bother answering. I've stopped so you can answer the favoured ones.
Please tell any of your people who want to answer this with "God loves you anyway" to not bother.
As I said earlier,
Keep your love, its made me emotionless.
P.S I'm making this public so that people who also feel like this won't crucify themselves for it,after all you've already been crucified, right?
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone, powered by Easyblaze
I understand what you're going through.
ReplyDeleteI've been there and done that.
I've accused Him of forgetting me. I've threatened Him, coerced and cajoled Him and sometimes, He doesn't seem to answer.
But truth is, GOD KNOWS BEST. And He will answer.
Sometimes, NO is an answer. But you've gotta trust Him even when it seems you can't find Him.
He is a good God and is more interested and committed to your success than you are.
He won't let you down.
Take it from a 2 Time College Dropout and Office Assistant.
He will change your story. Don't give up. SteveHARRIS
This post is like an echo of my own thoughts. It does get frustrating, believing a relationship's failure MUST be your fault. Believing in a supposedly perfect love, yet seeing no evidence of it. Believing you're damning yourself for even asking yourself these questions, for daring to go against the flow. Hoping, desperately hoping, for a rescue, and yet waking up to the same struggles and pains. Is it any wonder, then, that one would be fed up with it, and decide that their joy and sorrow will now be their own doing, or the result of chance? Is it surprising that someone would realise that rescue isn't coming, nor was it ever going to?
ReplyDeleteI don't begrudge religious folk the comfort and solace they get from their worship. Whatever makes this walk easier, I say. But that panacea simply no longer works on me.